Coffield's

2009-04-21T19:54:00.000-07:00

Today starts our second year without Kevin and two days after my last post I had my third son, Christopher "Chaka". I went to Kevin's grave several times this month and I felt some excitement yesterday knowing that I am one year closer to eternity. The 18th and the 19th (Sat. and Sun.) were harder for us than the actual calendar dates. We just remember how we spent those days 52 weeks ago. On our way to church I recalled that it was the last time I would bathe Kevin. I wasn't sure how the 52 week/1 year mark would make me feel, but I just tried to take things one moment at a time. My grief with Kevin is very personal and I don't usually cry in front of others about it, I'm not sure if others take this as coldness but I can't care what others think at this point. God knows how I feel and what I pray to Him and the Lord gives me strength through my love for Him and Kevin.

To hold our new son Christopher for the first time was so healing. I had never been so nervous with birth with my other sons and when we heard Christopher let out his first cry we were overwhelmed with emotions. Having Christopher almost felt like God was telling us he didn't hate us. I know He doesn't, but the morning I found Kevin it felt like He did. I am still thankful for the prayer we receive and for the support of friends and family. A situation like this shows you who cares for you and God has used people close to us to help bring us additional comfort. Here are some pictures of our newest blessing Christopher; we can't wait for more.

Appreciation and Frustration

2009-01-16T19:27:00.001-08:00

There are very few people that want to acknowledge our loss; most don’t know what to say and it’s okay to say that to us; “I don’t know what to say.” Others seem to feel that if they don’t have something really inspirational to say than it’s better to pretend nothing has happened. Please remember that you aren’t bringing up something we had forgotten about, it is always on our mind. I read something in a book that has been the best way for me to describe it. When you loose a child it’s like having a seal on your head by which everything is filtered through. You can ask me how I like the weather and it will be filtered through the fact that my son is gone. Some family and friends have asked us what can someone say or do to help a grieving family. I’ve been thinking of the words that were helpful and those that were not and while I know almost every single one was spoken in love it didn’t always feel that way. We are not very long on our journey of grief and it will be a road we travel the rest of our lives, but I wanted to share a few things that I appreciated and even some that irritated me.

First and foremost I appreciated the prayer that people offered and are still offering on our behalf, not only for Jason and myself, but for Gregory also. He is a child mourning the loss of his little brother. The last 9 months are the only time in his life he remembers Kevin not being here. He has displayed amazing faith like a child, it makes me think of Matthew 11:25; “At that time Jesus said, "I praise you, Father, Lord of heaven and earth, because you have hidden these things from the wise and learned, and revealed them to little children.” But he is still a child with questions and need prayer as much as his mommy and daddy. He asks us every day about his brother. So if you know someone in pain, offer prayer, follow through with that promise and let them know you are thinking of them and praying for them. We have received a few cards a few months after Kevin’s service and it meant a lot to me to know that people were still thinking of us. Another thing we appreciated was people offering an open ear or if there is anything they can do to help; i.e. make meals, pick up the house, watch Gregory etc. We may have turned down some offers and it probably sounds silly, but it still meant so much to know people cared.

Some of the things that were not as helpful were people that felt they must try to say something profound. We didn’t want to hear that everything happens for a reason, or that God was preparing us for some greater blessing. We can never replace Kevin and we won’t ever move on; we will move forward but never on. We didn’t want to hear that God has a new angel (that isn’t even scriptural) or needed him in heaven. Truly the Bible has been one of the only places I have found words of significant comfort. There is an endless list of clichés that people share with us, sometimes it seemed without much thought. While some of these clichés are rooted in Biblical truth, my broken heart doesn’t care about that. Even Jesus, upon seeing Mary and Martha mourn over their dead brother, wept. He didn’t say something like “well, my Dad in heaven can take better care of him anyways.” While we believe that everything does happen for a reason, our son passing will never make sense and we wake up daily and think that this is a mistake; God must have made a mistake. This wasn’t how our lives were supposed to turn out. We wanted our children, our children were never an “accident,” we were actively trying to have each of our children.

I just want to share this, not to convict, but to inform. I know everyone grieves differently but most parents I have spoken to just appreciate someone being there, sometimes saying nothing at all, just to be there to listen and care. We aren’t expecting you to say something that will make our loss make sense, but we never ever forget those who reach out to us in these painful days to try to help share our burden with us.

Understanding

2008-11-23T09:31:00.000-08:00

It has been 31 weeks since Kevin passed away and I remember the very morning thinking that there would be questions that I would never have answered. The most obvious was 'why' and I resolved myself that it would not be answered this side of heaven. We live in an era of knowledge; and to realize that there are mysteries in life that will not be answered is counterintuitve to how the world lives. God has given us a gift of peace through this tragedy and I can't understand it even though I am the recipient of it.

Philippians 4:7 says "And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

This peace can't even be put into words except that it is what helps me get out of the bed each day and even to find joy in my time with my family and friends. It is what allows me to continue to try to be the best mommy possible to Gregory and to be there for Jason. It doesn't mean that I don't have pain, or sorrow. I have a pain beyond description and it is difficult to live with a desire that you know will never be fulfilled on earth. This had actually been the first time in my life that I have truly experienced this complete inability to change my circumstances. However, I am thankful for this peace that God offers and while I will never understand that peace, I feel it working in my life everyday.

Preparing for the Holidays

2008-11-11T21:15:00.000-08:00

It's hard to believe that Thanksgiving and Christmas season are only a few weeks away. October dragged by painfully slow and now the holidays are around the corner. Gregory has a wonderful personality and has been able to bring a smile to our face through all of this. Children have an innate ability to make their parents happy, mine have always done so. While we are excited to share this season with Gregory in our first home, we are very aware of the special family member we will be missing so much. We were at a holiday store looking at all the decorations with Gregory and I saw Jason looking at some of the First Home/Baby/Together ornaments, and I asked "Do they have any First Christmas without Baby ornaments?" At least he and I are not walking this path alone, I know that my husband is the only person on earth that truly knows what this path is like. Mentally it is like a ticking clock, it never stops running through my brain. The only time it is not on my mind is when I sleep, and sometimes when I lay down to bed at night I realize how mentally exhausting it is to have my mind in a constant state of such heightened sorrowful activity.

We have come a ways from the first few months and that is only by the grace of God and the help of family and friends. We only have another 10 weeks or so to wait for "Chaka" and we are going to plan for the holidays, perhaps making a stocking for baby "Chaka" since I'm not ready to only fill one stocking of gifts this year. Here are a few pictures of "Chaka" at his ultrasound...I can't wait to hold you my little guy.

-Though the pain is an ocean, tossing us around around around

You have calmed greater waters and higher mountains have come down.

Jars of Clay

Kevy's 3rd Year

2008-10-16T08:06:00.000-07:00

Kevin would be starting the first day of his 3rd year today. I asked for prayer whenever possible to help us get through the day. We didn't want to be alone and we are so blessed to have so many family and friends that care about us and wanted to make sure we were doing alright. I don't think I ever would be so willing to ask for help as I am now.

We didn't go to Kevin's grave on his birthday, and at first I wondered if we should feel guilty. I just told my husband that I couldn't bear to see his grave with any birthday decorations; it would make my stomach turn. Sometimes I even avoid looking at pictures, and while I may be prolonging some aspects to the mourning process, that is okay with me. I'm not in a race and I want Gregory to know that just because we are indescribably saddened by the loss of our Kevy, we are still happy that he is here. I have said this numerous times; Gregory or Kevin would not have picked this for their lives and I don't want Gregory feeling like his life has to be over just because (in some ways) his mommy and daddy's life is. There are times when we are faking it til we make it, but the Lord does bring us joy daily. That doesn't mean that Jason and I aren't grieving or in pain, that just means that our God is that powerful.

Even yesterday, my mom and dad paid to let us get a 3D ultrasound done of "Chaka." I've never had one done, and it was really a blessing to get to see him. Jason was so happy to get to see him and now the hard part is to have to wait to hold him in 3 months.

John 9:1-3
Now as Jesus passed by, He saw a man who was blind from birth. And His disciples asked Him, saying, “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?” Jesus answered, “Neither this man nor his parents sinned, but that the works of God should be revealed in him."

Dreams

2008-09-24T09:26:00.000-07:00

I have had dreams about Kevin since he passed away, some have been very painful. In one dream I walked into our bedroom and he was sitting on our bed and I was so relieved that it had all been a mistake. Last night I had a dream that I was holding him and it felt perfect, but in my dream I knew that he wasn't here anymore. I don't know how we would be getting through this if it was not for our faith in Jesus Christ. We will all pass away and it brings me peace to know that my husband and I will join Kevin in his journey someday. I remember right after it happened that I was sure the rapture would be coming soon. I just kept thinking that there was no way the Lord would make me live with this pain. Getting pregnant so soon after has felt like a rainbow after the flood; I know that I'm not done here yet so I want to praise God until that time comes.

It is interesting how little value my own life has now, and I don't say that in a negative way, I want my life to be used. We are only here for God's glory and I realize that's all I'm here for. It brings a peace to life and makes striving so futile. I praise the Lord that he has given us so much comfort. From my perspective, the only thing of value on this planet are the souls of those living here.

James 1:2-4
"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."

New Normal

2008-07-09T10:08:00.001-07:00

For those of you that don't know, our youngest son Kevin Fayne passed away very unexpectedly on April 20th, 2008 at home in his crib. He was 18 months and 5 days old. We have been devestated by our loss but through faith and God's love we are attempting to navigate through our lives learning a new normal. Thank you to all our family and friends that have made the effort to pray for, support and be there for us.

Mexico

2007-12-03T22:41:00.000-08:00

Some pictures of our cruise to Mexico on the Norwegian Star. It was fun to travel with Grandma and Grandpa Scott.

Kevin and Mommy waiting to disembark at Acapulco.

Federal police in Zihautinijo.
Los Arcos, Cabo San Lucas
Cabo Wabo
Cathedral in Puerto Vallarta.
Norwegian Star
The pool area.
Gregory's first moments on the ship.
Kevin exploring with Grandpa.
Grandma lets Gregory run wild!

Kevin's First Birthday Party

2007-10-29T10:11:00.000-07:00

Yum

Daddy put's on the candle.

Four Generations of Scott's

Gregory loved the cake too.

Carlsbad

2007-09-02T23:27:00.000-07:00

Some pictures of our vacation to Carlsbad with Nana, Papa and Aunt Audra. We went to Legoland, Sea World and the beach.

Kevin was melting at the beach.

Darth Vader made of Legos.
Gregory plays in the sand. Taking Gregory into the ocean.
Smooch!